Saturday, February 9, 2019

Garbage Human

My name is Richard Sunbear (Yes, I'm fucking serious. That is my middle name) Hall/Case (Case isn't legal, and I don't even talk to the Cases anymore. But a group of twats I guess is better than abusive drunks). I can't believe my name requires so much set up.

And I am a garbage human.

The level of petty you see on my social media (Follow: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Twitch), and since I can't even make a point without a shameless self promotion, is not just a witty thing I do for laughs. I am petty, and I am cynical and I do it for cheap laughs, it's super cheeky and I do it to amp up my online personality.

But Richard Case is a deeply insecure human being. I've touched on this many times in this blog, but recently I've had a lot of new people come into my life, so it bears repeating. I am an aging punk rocker who is trying to keep up with the times. I have years of insecurity, social and personal anxiety that I deal with, and depression that has more than once yielded suicidal thoughts.


It's okay, take a second. I don't want you to feel empathy or sympathy because you feel like you have to, it's just a fact. I know unloading the S word makes people feel very uncomfortable. I don't mean to be so cynical, but a lot of the same people who share memes like "U R NOT ALONE" are also the ones that freeze up when you tell them you are suicidal.

Every day is a win, and if you know my competitive nature, you know I'm not in the business of losing. I'll continue to win. And that's how my worst trait benefits me in the long run.

But, my cynical and "I know I'm right" nature recently caused much issues at the house. I pissed off many people because I was slighted over nothing. I forgot one big thing: I am dealing with my own shit every day, but so is everyone else. I got into a massive fight with Lala. She has been wrong a lot of the time because she's still a teenager, and my smug ass mind disregarded her.

I won't go into too much detail, because family things are our own business. But Ava's sister, who until yesterday kept to herself, chose to ask me to talk as an adult and said some stuff that really put me in my place.

Yes, I am a sufferer of mental health. Yes, every day is a struggle for me. If you see me smile, I either had to work for it or I faked it. But in this instance, she showed me that I am guilty of everything I accuse other people of: being fake.

I am fake. I am so angry over nothing, because I trained myself to do so.

And, despite my insistence that I'm always right, I realize I am a garbage human sometimes. I can do no wrong as long as I decide my mental health was slighted. I have officially used my disability as a crutch. After accusing someone younger and in less control than I am of doing the same.

That's what trash people do.

The reason I'm writing this blog is because I have acknowledged this in enough time to catch it. I hope I can reverse the way I'm being. I have already talked to Lala about what I did wrong. I had to apologize. Painful, but I have to do it too. My narcissistic side never wants to admit that it may be wrong. I have no way out of this one.

I was wrong.

And I feel like a garbage human for thinking I was right.

Please don't reach out to me and tell me I matter. I don't need to hear that, and that's not what this entry was about. I'm not fishing for compliments. I wrote this entry because I am at the helm of every inch of content on this blog, and I chose to share that I'm not perfect, and I'm not infallible, and that I fuck up hard. I fuck up for real. I am a human being, and I have trash human traits. I am not exempt from shit behavior.

If this entry changes your opinion of me, I am sorry. I had the courage to open up on my own blog where I can regularly make myself the hero to tell you that I can be trash sometimes. I needed to say this. I need to be wrong sometimes, more than sometimes, and I need to be held accountable for my dick behavior.

Being a dick is funny. I've built a whole online persona around it. But it can be toxic to my family sometimes, and when I let that persona into the house, it makes other people angry, it hurts their feelings, and when you're a grown ass man sometimes you have to take your medicine and hear what you're doing and apologize appropriately when it happens.

I'm gonna end this blog by quoting Patton Oswalt, who was in turn quoting his late wife. "It's chaos, be kind."

It's chaos, be kind.



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