Is it considered blasphemy to even suggest that Sandra Bullock does wrong? Is it even worse of me that I am about to tear into a movie from 1995? Well, I mean, someone has to do it, might as well be me.
This is one of those rare times where I am about to tear into something that I actually kind of enjoy. But it seriously does have a lot of issues that I can't help but point out. Being something I enjoy does not save you from being put on blast.
Our story begins with Lucy, a lonely token monkey for the Chicago Transit Authority. She pines daily over Peter, a piece of man candy (?) whom she sees every day and secretly is planning to be married to? I mean, whatever, 90s rom-coms have had weirder stuff. Right?
Well, Lucy is forced to work on Christmas because she is the only one in the toll booth who doesn't have any family, so she gets convinced to do it. On Christmas Day Peter tells her "Merry Christmas, yo," and then she brain farts and says nothing. Then, in what is one of the single most "Um, what?!" moments, these teenage kids accost Peter over his coat or something, and then I guess it got physical, because he ended up falling onto the track and falling into a coma.
Time the fuck out. That shorter hoodlum barely touched him and he went flying. He landed on the back of his head but his wound was above his right eyebrow. I mean, maybe that eyebrow (and, Jeezus Christ Peter Gallagher has some fucking caterpillars) He openly admits later in the film that he pretended to pull a hamstring when chasing a mugger. He's clearly a gutless coward, and I'm sure he exaggerated the whole thing. I'm gonna have to say the caterpillar injury was inadvertent, and fell into a coma after trying to be a fucking ham.
So, throughout all of this... Did anyone investigate those 2 hoodlum kids? Lucy goes straight to the hospital with Peter, and gets in because a nurse hears her say she wanted to marry him, thus confusing her as his fiancee, thus forwarding the plot of the movie. But even though there was a cop in the hospital room and he did question her... Did she identify those 2 hoodlums? Seriously, her fucking job is to take tokens and admit people onto the platform. She was the only one working because it was Christmas. I guess I didn't need to SEE this identification happen, but they could have at least acknowledged it.
So. What happened for the business for that platform for the rest of the day? She bailed. And yeah, she probably didn't get a LOT of business, but if I found out that a public transport was open on Christmas day, and it meant I didn't have to take a car to a relative's house, you better fucking believe I'm gonna bank on taking the train (I am a well-documented cheapskate). Did those people have to wait for someone to come and re-open it? This was the age before cell phones were common, so did they even have a complaint line posted? Did the boss Jerry have to come in himself or plead with Celeste to come in on her holiday off? This was just after Lucy was announced as being the employee of the month, is that the reason why she didn't get in trouble or even a quick talking to for bailing from her post?
Yes. I overthink stuff. Is this your first time at this blog?!
If it is, then I apologize. Welcome, I like to drastically overthink stuff. Don't believe me? Here's what I had to say about Stuart Little.
This is far from the worst thing about this entry. Of course, wacky 90s hijinks ensue, like Jack passing out after donating blood, no one acknowledging quite the severity of the fractured relationship between Peter and his family (Saul briefly brings this up, but it's just in passing. "They think they have Peter back."), the fact that Lucy essentially makes his mother handle his testicles to prove he only has one. While he was comatose. This movie is like a fucked up onion. It just gets weirder the more layers you go through.
So all these things happen, and the movie just keeps on going. I don't need to explain the rest of the movie, until the ending. The ending is the most disturbing thing I can imagine. She gets proposed to by Jack, and they get married. She openly says that Peter will ask her when she fell in love with Jack, and it was... While You Were Sleeping.
Does this not disturb anyone as much as it disturbs me? I mean, no marriage. Jack, you don't marry this one. There are all kinds of manipulative red flags masquerading as loneliness. Once this is all done, how is that going to be explained to people that meet them for the first time? "Oh, how did you guys meet?" Now, before I go into this, it's not that big of a deal how people meet. Some of my favorite people don't have the best story. I had another girlfriend when I met my now wife. And they were best friends. Isn't THAT some shit about me you didn't know. But you know what? I can still tell a sweet version of that story that is still 100% true. So I ask again: "Oh, how did you meet?" "Oh well, I was pining for this handsome guy with great caterpillars for an indefinite amount of time and then he got hurt, so I managed to finagle my way into making his family think I was his fiancee, and even played into it after he woke up and let everyone think he had amnesia, then decided to ruin my wedding by admitting my love to Jack. All while we spent the week he was in a coma (Also semi disturbing, he was only in the coma for a week. I'll come back to this for sure) being all flirty and stuff. Then I ruined my potential wedding and then after humiliating both sets of brothers in front of their family, I ran off without saying a word, then Jack brought his whole family to my work and proposed to me. And that kids is the story of How I Met Your Father."
The other disturbing thing about this whole movie, is the time frame. The main plot starts some time before Christmas, as Lucy is pulling her tree into her window up the side of the building (why?) and Jerry trying to convince her to work Christmas. The earliest estimated time for this movie to start could be November 24th, which was Black Friday of 1995 (Please... PLEASE don't ask what kind of research I did for this). We know the conversation has to happen before December, as she was told by Jerry about her employee of the month status, which he uses to try and convince her to work Christmas. He mentions that she had worked Thanksgiving. So there. This conversation takes place in November. So the first 10 minutes or so of the movie happens from earliest November 24th, to latest November 30th, and then jumps to December 25th. Wow, almost a month in 10 minutes. This actually has nothing to do with my point, I'm just super proud of my powers of deduction LOLOLOLOLOL.
But, no matter what, the framing of the movie takes 4 weeks and a few days at it's most extreme, and 3 weeks and a couple of days at it's least. The time after the platform incident? One Week. So, seriously. Peter gets injured on Christmas, and comes to one week later (technically less than) on New Year's Day as the nurses and doctors in the hospital sing Auld Lang Syne when he opens his eyes. In what I can only say is a ball park estimate, after Peter has had a couple days and talks to her once, he re-proposes and they schedule a wedding in the hospital. I know this, because Peter is still in his hospital clothes and an IV. Coma patients take about 2-4 weeks before discharging, so this means everything from the moment he falls off the platform takes 3 weeks at best, 6 weeks at worst.
Did you hear what I just fucking said???? How psychotic is this shit?!!
And then an amount of time happens before Jack proposes. How long was that? The movie doesn't say. Did he let a month go by or 6? Pretty big detail for this movie to all of the sudden become ambiguous about.
This wouldn't work. None of this would work. This is unhealthy. I don't see any long term variation of this where they end up together in the end. The entire relationship is based on lies. Lies and manipulation. I would love to see a mid-2000s sequel with that era of humor mixed in with her tricking another family. It would be direct-to-DVD. This is something I'd watch.
I think that's all for now. I've trashed this movie enough. But seriously, I do enjoy this movie.
No, really. I do.