Friday, January 5, 2018

What the F**k Is Up With Stuart Little?

You might be thinking, did I suffer a stroke or something? I mean, you can't actually think that I, a person sane of mind, could have a bone to pick with a "beloved" 1999 family film? What would I have to gain from blasting an 18 year old movie?

Personal satisfaction. Basically the reason I do anything. I giggled about this for about 5 seconds, so that is enough for me to commit an entire blog entry towards it.

Stuart Little is an adorable family comedy, in which the Little family decide they want another child so that Jonathan Lipnicki could have someone other than mommy and daddy who likes him. The movie never states it, but I imagine one or both of the parents have a bum baby maker, so they go to an orphanage. For some reason, in front of all the other kids who are good at stuff, they choose the mouse because reasons.

Did you not absorb that? In FRONT of other actual human children, they chose a mouse!!! The woman who runs the orphanage even discouraged them from adopting him. But they do it anyway, and then they have a party where he gets a bike and a ball. Here's my gripe on this one: the bike, I can forgive. They most likely bought the bike for a human child back before they knew that the Little family adopted a rodent (you can buy feeder mice for about $1.25 in 2018... Just sayin'). But the ball??? That was presented to him by fucking Uncle Krenshaw to George (Lipnicki) AND Stuart! He said some shit like "Oh, why don't youse two kids go have a fuckin' catch" (exactly how I remember the scene going) then little George basically tells the family they're all crazy and they are stupid. This is the point in the movie where you're supposed to turn on George, BUT HE'S FUCKING RIGHT!!! Why in the good God of Jesus Juice did Uncle Krenshaw ACTUALLY go through with his ball rant and gift??? I mean, read the room for fuck's sake. When you see your new nephew is a mouse, maybe reconsider your plans, ya douche.

And Snowbell. The cat. He's such a heel, he's too sassy because of Nathan Lane. He's such a dick because he keeps trying to kill Stuart. Bitch, he's a motherfucking cat!!! Cats try to kill/eat mice. I had a cat when I was like 8, brought us a dead mouse from outside. Motherfucker was super proud of himself and wanted us to be proud of him too. Some cats do that, so why are the Littles actually surprised, when they ADOPTED A MOUSE KNOWING THAT THEY OWN A FUCKING CAT????

Oh, and supposedly Stuart's parents could only be identified by their dental records after they were crushed in a canned soup accident in the supermarket.

Fucked. Up.

Seriously, how dark of a turn did that take??? But another thing... Dental records of mice? When the 2 impostor mice come to reclaim Stuart, the Littles hand him right over to them, because 2 talking mice just came to claim their adopted talking mouse. Why the fuck wouldn't they?! OF COURSE I would give him back if two talking mice came to claim that talking mouse son was theirs. How many talking mice are there in the world? At least 5, and 2 of them know how to use the dentist. What jobs did Stuart's parents have that provided them with dental benefits or even just the money to afford a dentist? What jobs are mice qualified for? You gotta imagine any job you give a mouse won't be too long term, considering most mice have a life expectancy of about 2 years. I mean, if George was so unhappy with a mouse brother he could have just waited Stuart out, and been free. But no, he had to learn to love his new mouse brother, so now in 2 years, he gets to bury his mouse brother.

If you thought this movie was sweet, nah dude. Nah.

That's all for now?



1 comment:

  1. What I remember most about the movie is the actor that plays the human father later becomes House.